a few months ago a good friend of mine passed out. she went to the doctor to check everything was ok and was told she had a heart problem and they were surprised she wasn't already dead (yes they really did say that to her). she has been waiting, in shock and dread, for them to schedule surgery sometime at the end of august/beginning of september. two weeks ago she noticed a lump in her breast. she went to get it checked out. they told her it was probably just a cyst but did some tests. last week her doctor called and told her that there were complications and it could be breast cancer. she has to wait another two weeks to find out if it is. which i guess means that they have to postpone the heart surgery and if they have to treat her for cancer they may have to postpone the surgery further. the surgery for the heart problem that should have already killed her. i don't know how she is managing to get through each day, i do know that she is getting through the nights with sleeping pills. i wish i could say something to make this easier for her. but there is nothing to be said except that i'm thinking about her.
martin and jules are pregnant again. i'm happy that they have this good news after losing the first baby. but being the selfish fuck that i am i can't help thinking about me and i'm sad. i'm not really doing reality at the moment. i'm finding it very unsatisfactory. yeah whatever.
8:35 a.m. - August 04, 2005
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