fuck fucking fuck fuck. why can't i just say what i feel. why can't i say that i feel unhappy that shes never around any more, that i feel let down by her sudden absence. it hurts and i'm sick of it. but. i still won't say anything because i don't want to make things worse. excuse me while i go and stamp my feet and cry "its just not fair" or knowing me "its just not FUCKING fair"
2:29 p.m. - November 05, 2002
whenever i'm feeling a little low i think of this:
i'm sitting in my office totally cracking up.
1:30 p.m. - November 05, 2002
the coolest guy held up a piece of fruit and said �guess what this is?�. i�m never at my best first thing in the morning. i need at least 3 cups of tea to oil my brain. anyway, i looked at the fruit and went though a list of mental generic pictures of fruit i know and love. it was a mismatch with all of them. �what the hell is it?�, i asked. �guess� he insisted. i told him it looked like an apple shaped pear. �bingo� is what he might have said if he was the kind of person who said such things. i wanted to know if they called them �papples� but evidently they just call them apple pears. i guess someone was having an imagination free day when they came up with that name.
10:42 a.m. - November 05, 2002
i find it kind of odd that 12 months ago, when i weighed about 110 pounds, i wasn�t happy with my body because i felt fat and flabby, while today, despite the fact that the scales are telling me i�m 120 pounds heavy and i can�t fit into half the clothes in my wardrobe, i feel fine about myself. in fact, coming home from the gym last night i actually felt pretty damn good about my body. yeah my breasts are a little big and of course it wouldn�t harm to be a few inches taller but that aside everything curves in all the right places and a few more weeks of going to sculpt and stretch will hopefully bring back the kind of physical perkiness i was getting used to last year. of course even while i type this i�m aware that i could wake up tomorrow and totally hate my body. this is the curse of being a woman.
9:37 a.m. - November 05, 2002
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