"I am so pleased to be in touch with you...remember when we used to visit the old ladies at Mill Garth and sometimes skive off instead ??" yeah i remember. we were 15/16 years old and every wednesday afternoon we were supposed to go visit a bunch of old ladies and give them the benefit of our company. some wednesdays we never quite made it there. her father had a very large wine cellar.
so, i found another old friend. i haven't had contact with her since she emigrated to tasmania when we were 16. i spent my first night with a guy in her parents bed (in case you were having freaky thoughts, her parents weren't in it :)). she's still in oz. she is pregnant, about to get married for the second time (to a band manager 10 years her senior) and has one or two more tattoos than she had when she left england. its good to hear from her.
5:10 p.m. - August 17, 2002
i'm singing along to a CD of the songs of burt bacharach. the coolest guy is working late. he just called me and before he put down the phone he whispered "i love you". i can feel my eyes shining.
if something happened and you really needed to talk to someone who would you call? that's the one. it's that simple. from the moment i met the coolest guy, wherever i may have thought my heart was, there isn't anyone else that i would have considered calling.
i really have to stop being such a smug bastard. but i've waited so long that i'm not ready to give up yet.
8:46 p.m. - August 15, 2002
i�m not a big fan of suicide. mainly because however much things suck i always seem to have the words �oh well there�s always tomorrow� in my head and killing yourself obviously negates the whole tomorrow dealio. the closest i�ve been to slitting my wrists/jumping off a tall building/sticking my head in the oven was when i first moved out to canada and ian was away on business in puerto rico. i don�t think i have ever felt as lost and alone as i felt during those 2 weeks. i could have (should have) spent the time exploring my new city but i didn�t. i sat in complete panic (wondering what had possessed me to throw away the perfectly decent life i had in london, uk to come and live in a country i knew nothing about) and waited for 14 days for him to come home. i was holding on by a thread and then, as if my life was worth nothing to him (which as it turns out it wasn�t) someone i thought was a friend, came along and cut that thread. i never ever ever want to feel the way i felt that day again. hell i don�t even want to think about it now. in fact i can�t. i thought i could talk about it but i can�t. fuck off.
don�t ever kill yourself because some guy/girl you like doesn�t like you back. kill yourself because we all have black hearts.
2:31 p.m. - August 15, 2002
why the hell has my office been so god damn fucking cold for the last couple of days. its red roasting hot outside (so hot i burnt my shoulder the other day and it is very ouch!) but i am wearing a t-shirt and two sweaters right now and i still have erect nipples (i know because i just felt them). i wonder if there is a ghost convention going on in here. maybe they like my loud music. fuckers.
12:20 p.m. - August 15, 2002
so Ward B tells me that i will never know real love until i have a child of my own. funny but i have never ever really wanted a child of my own. ever since i can remember i always wanted someone else�s. to put this in a less annoying way (or rather, before someone informs the police that i�m about to go baby snatching at the local maternity hospital), whenever i have thought about me and a child, i have always imagined that child to be a foster child or a child i have adopted. i�m not entirely sure why i don�t have a need to create my own babies but i could throw out some off the top of my head ideas: 1) there are too many children in the world already that don�t have good homes or any home at all 2) i am scared of childbirth 3) if the child is really ugly then its not my fault. the truth is i just don�t know why i feel the way i feel about this. when we were in NY last christmas i talked to the coolest guy about my thoughts on adoption. i think it was too much of a surprise to him to deal with at that time. anyway, having children is not his top priority right now. the other day i was joking about how the next time we buy a place it would have to have 10 bedrooms for all our kids. he agreed but not before replacing the word �kids� with �snowboards�.
10:05 a.m. - August 15, 2002
so bush removes saddam and someone else takes over. and bush doesn't like the new person and removes them and someone else takes over. and bush doesn't like the new person and removes them and someone else takes over. i'm not saying i like saddam, i just feel somewhat "uncomfortable" thinking about one country making important decisions for another country.
9:13 a.m. - August 15, 2002
i remember a time when we used to sit in restaurants together and i would look around to see if there were any other couples talking even less than we were. i would try and make conversation but conversation without interest and passion is very hard to maintain. i would go to bed early to lessen the time that we didn't have anything to say to each other. that was not a good time. now things couldn't be more different. i love the time we spend together. we have so much to say. and we laugh. (in fact i just laughed as i remembered a story he told me last night in the club). and we touch and hold hands. and it is a good time.
1:56 p.m. - August 14, 2002
they just played the butthole surfers on the new radio station i've been listening to. i don't think i have ever heard the surfers on the radio before. it made me happy.
so we went to see mum (thats moom to you) last night. we had fun and the music was pretty good too. i liked the "sigur ros does disco" numbers that they played. not that i remember all that much about the songs because on the way out ian did his own version of mum ie "i. will. sing. this. very. slow." and totally cracked me up and thats mainly what is sticking with me today.
11:58 a.m. - August 14, 2002
in the �olden days� no one had time to sit around navel gazing. people were too busy being shoved up chimneys and pushed down mine-shafts, from dawn until dusk, to sit around and wonder and whine about relationships and broken hearts. today we have all sorts of time and effort saving devices, which give us more freedom to do as we please. it seems to me that most of us use this gift of time to indulge in self-obsession, mock-drama, paranoia and frippery. i�m not sure this is progression.
4:30 p.m. - August 13, 2002
SHE. DOESN�T. WANT. YOU. I�m thinking of buying all his friends and family t-shirts with this catchy little phrase on it. yeah it�s a little on the cruel side but someone has to remind him of the fact that he doesn�t have a chance in hell with her and I�d rather it wasn�t always me. he says �she told me that if things were different..blah blah blah� I say �things could be different but obviously she doesn�t want you�. he says �she put her head on my shoulder while we watched movies� I say �that means nothing, she doesn�t want you�. he says �she doesn�t want to spoil our friendship because I mean so much to her� I say �what she means is that she likes the ego boost you give her but she doesn�t want you� he says �we slept in the same bed� I say �but she�s fucking other guys and you didn�t even kiss so she doesn�t want you�. he says �I just spent 23 consecutive days with her�. I say �you are sad and pathetic. SHE. DOESN�T. WANT. YOU�. wouldn�t it be a hoot if it turned out that she did in fact want him and she was just playing 4 years worth of hard to get!!
i'm genuinely sorry that she doesn't want him. i think hes a great guy and she would be lucky to have him.
2:12 p.m. - August 13, 2002
if i ruled the world i would make a law that says that once you hit 30 years of age you have to start focusing on something other than getting/keeping/wanting a girlfriend/boyfriend. i'm bored shitless of people who have nothing to say if they aren't whining about some relationship problem they have. if you are still single at 30 its probably because you are completely hideous or totally unlovable. or maybe both.
i'm listening to the yeah yeah yeahs. i heard them on the radio a couple of weeks ago and loved them so much i just had to know who they were. i am now the proud owner of their CD and have tickets for their upcoming gig in vancouver.
10:02 a.m. - August 13, 2002
it didn�t take me long to learn that storming off drama queen style didn�t result in the coolest guy following me and begging my forgiveness for whatever i had decided he had done wrong (as had happened in my previous relationship). what it did lead to was me wandering the streets for an hour or so until i got bored of being stroppy. followed by me arriving home to find him having a very nice time watching tv or playing computer games and totally oblivious to the fact that i was pissed about something. i�m not in favour of the �treat �em mean, keep �em keen� school of thought, but I do find men who are willing to be door-mats very unattractive. the coolest guy is not the kind of guy you wipe your feet on.
10:53 a.m. - August 12, 2002
�i've got a bike. you can ride it if you like.
it's got a basket, a bell that rings and
things to make it look good.
i'd give it to you if i could, but i borrowed it.�
i�ve been banned from singing this, which i find totally outrageous since i am indeed the proud owner of a new bike. the fact that it doesn�t have a basket or a bell that rings is largely irrelevant. i didn�t borrow it either but you still can�t have it. you can see a pic of it though:
.
it�s �sweet� as an uncool friend of mine with a very cool motorcycle told me.
9:39 a.m. - August 12, 2002
so in the absense of anyone else to discuss this with i'm having a fascinating debate with myself over mugabe, the white farmers and the fact that the farms in zimbabwe are being returned to the "rightful owners". the issue of colour is, rightly or wrongly, largely irrelevant for me in this case. the way i see it, one group of people took something from another group of people and that was not good. now that original group of people are taking it back. part of me thinks this is ok because it belonged to them in the first place. however part of me also feels bad for the farmers who are losing everything because i know just how hard they must have worked on those farms to keep them viable and i can't help thinking that two wrongs can't possibly make a right.
9:10 a.m. - August 12, 2002
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