a few years ago i watched a man kill himself. he ran onto the platform at my local tube station and threw himself in front the hammersmith and city line train, which happened to be the one i was waiting for. although my eyes saw this event unfold my brain refused to process it and what i thought i saw was a confused blur followed by a big black garbage bag being sucked under the trains wheels. despite what i thought i saw i suddenly started to feel bad. i remember looking around the platform at the two or three other people who had been waiting with me and then i had a immediate need to sit down. at that point everything else faded. i still wasn't sure what was going on. the only thing that i could think about was how i was now going to get to work. this was an issue i could deal with so i got up and walked out of the tube station. i guess the train stopped, i vaguely recall seeing someone trying to look under the train but that was not my concern. my concern was finding a new route to work. i walked to the next tube station, i got on the central line and then changed to the northern line heading for kings cross which was near where i worked. i didn't cry but there were tears falling down my cheeks and i didn't even care that people were staring at me in the packed carriages. about an hour and half after i set off for work i finally got to my desk. i sat there silently for a few minutes and then my assistant walked in and did the usual "hey, how's it going?". it was then that i gave in to the overwhelming emotion inside me. i just sat there and cried and cried while she looked on helplessly not having any clue what was wrong. eventually i called the coolest guy and although he worked about an hour away from me he surprised me by immediately dropping everything and coming to get me. he took me to my favourite restaurant on charlotte street for lunch and i bought my first scanner. anything to put off the journey back to bow road station. when we eventually did go home i asked the station guy what had happened to the man and gave him my address so the police could contact me to take a statement. it turned out that the man suffered from depression and had stopped taking his medication. i had had a secret hope all day that he had somehow fallen onto the tracks between the wheels and avoided death but that was simply wishful thinking.
i'm feeling low today. its a long time since i stopped taking pills for depression. a little bit of low is manageable.
8:37 a.m. - January 28, 2003
Recent entries:
I did good
Me
Nights suck
-
Tea and hamsters
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
satchmo3
hangover
merrywitch
iooi
ubermeister
sillybitch
n-poledancer
renita
bevanandjen
echoman
elsbro
wanderboot
meli-melo
trulypoetic
melindabean
where-ocar
explodingboy
groovy-decay
pablo
mittensgirl
robspaceman
ebombmom