i was supposed to settle down and get married and have kids. mark and i were talking about a wedding and my parents were considering invitation lists. everyone expected me to be happy with a regular domestic life. i expected me to be happy with that too. then, of course, mark beat the crap out of me because he thought i was going to leave him. so i did leave him. after that i never really wanted a house and 2.4 kids again. for years my parents thought it was the CG that had influenced me away from settling down. they didn't respect me enough to believe me when i told them it had nothing to do with him (plus i never told them about mark, his steel toe capped boots and my head). i think they believe me now.
i don't really know if my failed relationship with my ex had anything to do with who i am now. i don't think it really matters if it did. but i do sometimes wonder how i became who i am.
2:30 p.m. - August 20, 2003
there are so many places i haven't been. and i keep thinking "what if i die without every experiencing all the things i want to experience".
i woke up feeling bad today. the pain of depression is like drowning from the inside out. years ago people didn't have the time or money for this kind of nonsense. i have time and money because i don't have children and i don't have a career. and since i don't see me ever blessed with either, this could be an everlong problem. i don't want to spend my time focused on my own self doubts and regrets, i want to do something............i was going somewhere with all this but i'm not actually sure where but then the CG phoned me and....
...we talked about getting the car serviced and we talked about work and then we talked about the bigger picture. i indicated that i would love to do more travelling (and by travelling i wasn't referring to long weekends in 5 star hotels in major US cities...although i'm pretty partial to that too) and he asked where i would like to go and i told him morocco and peru and chile and he told me that he'd had a thought about maxing out our savings on his company shares and cashing in next year (after the next snowboarding season) and leaving his job and then we could sell our apartment and travel and then eventually he could go back to his old job in london (who would love to have him back) and...and...and...and my boss turned up at my desk looking for a file...and i said we should talk about it more tonight. i can't sit still and watch everyone around me settling down and having babies and moving from small abodes to bigger and bigger ones. if thats not for me, and i don't think it is, then i have to do something else with my time on this earth.
this is a lot to think about.
10:33 a.m. - August 20, 2003
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