i've never lived alone. i left home at 18 to go to university and moved into halls of residence. at that point i had been dating my ex for a couple of years and he would come and stay with me or i would visit him at his college most weekends. then, 12 months later, i dumped the ex and moved in with a bunch of girlfriends for a couple of years. they drove me nuts so, at the age of 22, i moved into a little house in the red light district with my bestest friend. i still live with that friend, although now we have a piece of paper to remind us that we are married. it has been said, on numerous occasions, and not necessarily in the nicest of ways, that i am incapable of being alone and living alone. this may well be true but since i've never had the opportunity of living alone it can't really be proved either way. the way i see it, my life simply happened the way it happened and it just so happened that i never got to live alone.
that said, i have to admit that i feel more unsure of myself without the coolest guy around.
9:47 p.m. - March 18, 2003
i just went to the bathroom and as i was heading for a stall i noticed N by the sink so i said hi without really looking at her. N is the joint department head of a department i don't work for but occasionally have dealings with. she has a reputation for being stubborn and difficult to work with but i have a certain amount of respect for her, probably due to the fact that i don't have to work with, or work for, her. once in the bathroom stall i heard sniffles and i decided that N was either crying or had a cold. i hoped and prayed for the latter because i didn't really want to deal with former but of course it turned out that N was very very upset. i hardly know the woman but i couldn't just wash my hands and walk out of there so i asked her if she was going to be ok. we then had a little chat and she told me that she was having problems with the other department head, that she had worries about the transition our company has been in for so fucking long, that she was tired because her children were sick and she had been up all night nursing them and that she wasn't sure how she was going to chair the upcoming bargaining meeting with a red face from crying. this is the most she has ever talked to me. i'm not one for soft soaping, even to a superior. i told her to take a few deep breaths, i told her that whatever was going to happen would happen and i told her that she would just tough it out like she (and the rest of us) had been doing for the last year and a half because there was nothing else to do. i even got her to laugh a little before she headed back to her office. as i walked back to mine i felt sad. i don't know why but i don't like to see strong people cry.
1:12 p.m. - March 18, 2003
i had a friend in college (college in england being the educational institute that you attend from the age of 16-18) who was so pretty that when she took her sister to a concert the singer, who was a well know british pop star, saw her in the crowd and got one of his "people" to ask her to meet him after the show. the next day she went to his hotel room and lost her virginity. the rumour was that my friend rae was planning to sleep with her college boyfriend for the first time and wanted some practice first. i had known her boyfriend gary for years. he was one of the most popular guys in school and later in college. he also turned up at the same university that i was attending. i bumped into him at a party. i was high. he told me him and rae were over so i fooled around with him a bit and he walked me home. he tried a variety of ploys to get me naked, including a statement about his oral expertise, all of which i rebutted with a reference to our friendship and how i didn't want to spoil it by spending the night with him. frankly i didn't care about our friendship i just didn't want to sleep with him and i didn't want the hassle of turning him down outright. the funny thing is that i really liked him in high school and would have jumped at the chance to spend some "quality time" with him but he didn't look at me twice back then. when i was about 14 a girl called natalie used to have these parties. everyone said her mum was a prostitute. i have no idea if it was true...i only met her once, briefly. i was arriving at a party and she was headed out the door, with a gentleman friend, leaving about a dozen irresponsible teenagers in an apartment full of booze and porn. anyway, these parties basically consisted of getting drunk and getting off with as many people as possible (at this point i should clarify that in england "getting off" generally refers to kissing and touching but nothing that could get you pregnant). anyway, all the most popular guys in school would be there and i remember various snogs with dean, his cousin, robert C, some guy in the hallway whose name escapes me and probably a few other people but gary was not interested in me. women tend not to forget this kind of thing. so anyway, i eventually booted him out of my house without anyone getting naked and, once i'd got over the throat infection he gave me, i didn't think any more about it. at least until i got a summer job and found that i was working with rae. the first thing she said to me, in front of about 5 or 6 other people, mainly strangers, was "so i hear you fucked my boyfriend".
i was thinking about all this because gary had blonde hair and i'm very rarely attracted to blonde guys. on the way into work i was entertaining myself by trying to remember how many blonde guys i had kissed and i originally came up with only three. one being gary, one being robert (who was in fact the first guy i ever kissed properly although i don't actually remember ever fancying him) and one being a guy called peregrine (am i the only person in the world to have kissed a guy called peregrine??). then i remembered getting off with some guy in a club when i was 17. i don't remember his name (but mine was jade, or at least he seemed to think it was) and he was blonde. thats all i could remember which suggests i've kissed a fuck of a lot of dark haired guys :)
9:23 a.m. - March 18, 2003
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