we were sitting in an italian restaurant - me, the coolest guy and a woman who shall remain nameless. i had ordered a lasagne and i was eating it with great focus. not because i was hungry but because the coolest guy and our lady friend were busy talking and laughing amongst themselves and i felt awkward and stupid and uninteresting. i felt so out of the conversation that my thoughts drifted to other things. i heard them talking about "wimbledon" and in a really poor attempt to join in with things i stated that i had never been a really big fan of tennis. the two of them immediately burst into laughter, leaving me red faced and unable to work out what was so funny. it turned out that they weren't talking about tennis but football. stupid me. after dinner i suggested in an angry tone that the coolest guy spend the night with our dinner companion since he obviously had more in common with her than me and preferred her company. his response to that was something like "for fucks sake i was only trying to be nice to your cousin" :) you see sometimes i'm an idiot. sometimes my insecurities go way off the scale. i've never really been jealous where the coolest guy is concerned because he has never given me reason to. i do however have the occasional problem with people who i feel are intellectually superior to me. my cousin is a lawyer. ian is a senior economist. i am a admin assistant. i therefore suck. the crazy thing is that i am intelligent enough to know that i am intelligent but i'm also stupid enough to be insecure. this probably makes no sense.
4:42 p.m. - November 19, 2002
to quote my brother-in-law from times past, today has been �pants and arse� (the arse bit emphasizes the fact that the day has been spectacularly crap rather than just everyday crap). its not that anything bad has happened. i kind of wish it had because then at least i wouldn�t be so mindnumbingly bored. the problem is that nothing at all has happened today, a great big double dollop of nothing. at least not in my little corner of the world. i should have stayed in bed.
you know I could go out and get a new job but if I did I would lose about $10k�s worth of income and about 5 weeks worth of vacation. so here I sit.
3:59 p.m. - November 19, 2002
sarah: i'm thinking of asking as many people as possible to put me in their will so that maybe some of them will die earlier and i will be financially ok in my old age. what do you think of that idea?
ct yankee: poor taste.
sarah: well its not like i'm going to kill them myself
ct yankee: lol
ct yankee: how do i know that?
sarah: i'm a nice girl!
ct yankee: i'm not skiing with anyone who has a vested interest in my demise.
sarah: how about you put me in your will AFTER we have been skiing. that way i am more likely to be looking after you and making sure you don't get harmed than killing you.
ct yankee: i like that!
sarah: although frankly if you have spent all your money on going back to school there is little point in my being in your will.
sarah: earn some money and then i will decide if i want to be in your will
ct yankee: i'll leave you my cd collection.
sarah: oh god please noooooo
ct yankee: it's done then.
1:09 p.m. - November 19, 2002
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