i came off the depression medication a little early because i wanted to be over the withdrawal and back to my usual self before my parents visited me from england. while they were here i finally told them that i had been suffering from depression ever since i could remember and i had finally done something positive about it. they were shocked and upset, as i knew they would be, which is why i went through the whole thing without their support. my mother kept insisting that she would have known if i suffered from depression and asking me what had happened to make me so unhappy and i kept trying to explain to her that my depression was not always a big problem so no one needed to know and that it had nothing to do with bad things happening; it just came and went as it pleased. i�m frequently told by people that everyone gets low once in a while. and i want to tell them that i also get low once in a while but that has nothing to do with the fact that i get depressed once in a while too. for me the difference between low and depressed is that when i�m low i don�t feel like i�m on the edge of panic, i don�t have knots inside my chest and stomach and i couldn�t give you the exact time that the unhappiness arrived and departed. low is not a scary feeling. however, to be honest, depression is no longer a scary feeling either. the only time depression is scary is when you are also feeling low because the two things combined are pretty damn hard to handle. i thank my lucky stars that i have a happy life.
4:25 p.m. - March 04, 2003
i've been suffering from depression for the last couple of days. its a constant battle not to just give up and give in. it leaves me tired which makes the fight twice as hard. i'm trying to do all the right things. i'm exercising, i'm cutting down the caffeine and i'm interacting with people but what i really want is to go to bed and have someone wake me when i'm normal again.
i'm sorry. i should be better than this.
9:02 a.m. - March 04, 2003
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