a lot of people don't know that i'm terrified to drive. i passed my driving test at 17, i can do a hill start, i can do a swift 3 point turn and i can change up and down gear like its second nature (yes i do own a manual) but, despite the fact that i know i can do these things, when i sit in the drivers seat of a car and turn on the engine a sudden and inexplicable fear engulfs me. last year i attempted to overcome my irrational panic but to no avail. i sat and cried in a residential cul-de-sac until the coolest guy took pity on me and drove me home. any traffically inclined confidence i had left in me was crushed into teeny tiny little pieces and the monster i had made out of driving doubled in size. however, i decided that this year was the year to grow the fuck up and slay the beast. i went out for my first drive this afternoon. i did not cry, i did not panic (well not too much) and i did get to drive my car properly for the first time. i will be forcing myself into the car every week until i no longer even notice the fear and then i will pass my canadian driving test....and then we will all drink champagne and celebrate....and i will stop thinking i'm a total loser.
4:21 p.m. - January 05, 2003
we watched black hawk down last night. i've read much on the subject, i know the facts, but i wasn't prepared for how the film made me feel. maybe its because i have thoughts of iraq and north korea forever in my mind but watching the film last night i felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and there were tears in my eyes that i just couldn't cry.
i'd very much like peace in the world now please. please.
9:48 a.m. - January 05, 2003
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